Yggdrasil (forkonfork) wrote,

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i am the hawk, there's blood on my feathers.

the internet disconnected, so i'm writing this on notepad.

christmas was good, i got a lot of nice stuff. i don't really feel like writing it all out, so if you wanna know just ask, ha. i hope to go shopping tomorrow with pam, and before [or after] that we're gonna visit caitlin. it'll be really nice to see her, i haven't in so long. i just hope the weather permits it. tuesday i think lauren mentioned hanging out with kendra, but we don't know if she can yet, so i guess we'll see. wednesday hopefully me and amir can hang out. thursday it'd be nice to hang out with gretchen if possible, i miss her. friday is new years eve and i'm not exactly sure what's going down yet. no idea for the weekend.... it's so weird that everyones vacation is over after that, but i don't really have a vacation. i mean, kinda, since i don't work a lot this week, but not really.

i should go to the doctors sometime this week. in some ways i don't wanna go cuz the pain isn't constant, and then i think it's getting better, but it comes back. i hate feeling like this, it bring back bad memories. and what if it's all in my head? in a lot of ways i hope it is, but i don't think it is... deep down. i keep having sexual dreams, so today that led me to think maybe i'm driving myself insane with sexual frustration, but that would just be really pathetic.

so i guess my cousin-on law theresa is having a baby and my cousin kelsey is engaged. my grandpa (dad's side) is in the hospital, he had a stroke... but he's doing well i guess.

i don't wanna go to bed. maybe i'll try to stay up all night and when i finally can't stay up anymore it'll most likely be light out.

i hate feeling this way. i haven't written in awhile though, so i know this is gonna be long. i feel like such a giant hypocrite right now, but in the scheme of things, does it matter? i can't stop biting my lip. i can't stop thinking.

last night in my dream i worked at suncoast at the mall. my job was to put dvds away, and the cases were really thin and went under the normal sized display cases in a certain order. i kept messing up so they fired me. somehow i was in a lake paddling myself in a boat. someone who was swimming tried to crawl in, a guy, and tipped me over, and his friends came after me in a motor-boat. all of a sudden the water was shallow, but not shallow enough to walk in, but too shallow to swim in. and i was wearing an old-fashion black bathing suit. they chased me to this woodsy island and one of the kids got out and we had sex in the woods. then after we swam to a waterfall and i told him it didn't mean anything and he smiled and helped me out of the water. then we went to walmart, and i don't remember anything else. weird, huh?

today i did absolutely nothing. i sat at home online and drank water and ate and talked to amir and some other people. that's it. i have cabin fever. i NEED to get out of my house. tomorrow will be good for me, it'll be nice to hang out with pam alone (eh heh heh). bah, my nail chipped. i dunno, i just wanna be good, i don't wanna hurt people or make them think too much. but i also don't wanna have to think a lot myself.

i want to watch the sun rise, about 3 more hours.
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